Question:
My husband has had 2 affairs that he will admit to, but several others he won't. I feel the relationship is over, but can't pull away from him. When I try, he starts acting like the man I married—until I back off, then everything is my fault. What do I do?

Peggy's Response:
Many people are ambivalent about what they want (and what to do)—especially when dealing with the aftermath of an affair. We generally want to make sure we're making the right decisions. For the person in the position of the one who wrote the above question, there's ambivalence in the form of "feeling the relationship is over" when her husband is uncommunicative; then "backing off" when he "starts acting like the man I married." Understandably, she's reacting to his behavior.

On the other hand, he is also reacting to HER behavior. When he feels her "pulling away from him," he begins focusing on the impact of her leaving and changes his attitude and behavior. But when she backs off and stops pulling away, he feels safe to resume his previous attitude and behavior.

This creates an ongoing merry-go-round where each person is reacting to the behavior of the other—which can continue for quite some time unless one of them breaks the cycle. Since he may be willing to continue in this kind of ambivalence as long as she cooperates in "playing the game," she may need to stop changing her behavior in reaction to his changes.

Then the challenge is to find a "middle-ground" that maintains an openness to the possibility of hanging in while demonstrating a clear ability to be independent. One of the best sets of guidelines for that kind of behavior is taken from a book I've mentioned before: The Passion Trap by Dean C. Delis and Cassandra Phillips.

This book clearly defines the problems related to an "imbalance between partners"—when one is in the "one-up" position and the other is in the "one-down" position. (And, of course, these positions can shift as described in the above question.) It describes how in any relationship, there's usually a sense at any given time that one person wants or needs more from the other than is true in reverse. When one partner acts more needy, the other is likely to want more distance. And when one partner acts more independent, the other is likely to be more solicitous. (This sounds like what's happening in the description in the above question.)

Here are some tips from the book The Passion Trap as to how to establish your own way of acting—rather than only reacting to your partner. (I have shared these before, but they're worth repeating.)

1. Be good to yourself.

2. Get a grip on reality.
An emotional crisis clouds your perceptions—and when you're not thinking straight, it's hard to act in your best interests. You tend to catastrophize, self-sabotage, and exaggerate the other's behaviors.

3. Have brave new thoughts.
Think of how YOU can change, don't be afraid to think of creative ways to save a relationship.

4. Create healthy distance.
Keep busy, don't neglect other areas of life, build new strengths, do things on your own that have nothing to do with the other person.

5. Explain what you're doing.
Don't try to "pretend" to your partner. Let them know what you're doing.

6. Face your fears of distance.
Write down your biggest fear of distance, reframe your fear in nonaccusatory terms, and tell your partner how you're now re-thinking these fears.

7. Define your limits.
This is not an ultimatum, but a way of bringing a resolution instead of continuing indefinitely in the one-up, one-down situation.

Note: The above Question/Response is one of many previous ones I have written that address this issue. All of these questions and responses are now organized together in Collection 2: Rebuilding the Marriage.

For more information, listed below are the 23 questions from Collection 2 relating specifically to this issue.

Note: For the full list of 151 questions in the collection, see Collection 2.

To Order:
To order any of the 3 Collections of 151 questions, see: Collections of Questions.