Question:
Four days ago I found out about my wife's affair, and I have already made an appointment with a lawyer for divorce. Am I reacting too fast to the situation or should I wait and see if we can recover from this? What percentage of married couples have been able to survive an affair?

Peggy's Response:
The impulse to immediately give up and get a divorce is totally understandable during the initial stage of shock of learning of a mate's affair. And while getting a divorce may ultimately be the choice someone makes, it's almost impossible to make a thoughtful "decision" so quickly. Learning of a spouse's affair is usually so emotionally devastating that it takes some time to be able to clearly "think" at all.

Another drawback to acting too quickly in deciding to get a divorce is that later there's likely to be a lot of "second-guessing" and wondering "if only…" The process by which someone makes the decision has a huge impact on how well they're able to live with whatever decision they make.

Having said that, however, it's not a matter of simply "waiting to see if we can recover from this." Recovery is not something that just "happens" by staying together and waiting for it to happen. While it does take time to recover, the time needs to be spent doing the kind of honest communicating and practicing the kinds of behaviors that can lead to recovery.

As for what percentage of married couples do survive an affair, the number is far higher than most people think—since so many couples who stay together never acknowledge to friends or family that they have faced this issue. However, my personal experience (and that of other professionals who have reported on this) would indicate that more than 70% of couples stay together following an affair. (In fact, my own survey of more than 1,000 spouses of people who had affairs revealed that 76% of both men and women stayed married.)

There is, of course, among this group a wide range of types of marriages. Some marriages "stay together" in a deadened, meaningless way—while others not only recover, but become stronger than they ever were prior to the affairs.

The bottom line of all of this is that each couple needs to determine for themselves the best course of action. And a decision as to whether to stay married or get a divorce is best made if it's based on the prospects for the future—not simply on what happened in the past.

Note: The above Question/Response is one of many previous ones I have written that address this issue. All of these questions and responses are now organized together in Collection 2: Rebuilding the Marriage.

For more information, listed below are the 23 questions from Collection 2 relating specifically to this issue.

When will I be able to decide? Should I go ahead with divorce? How long do I wait? When will we know we want to stay together? Is it best to stay? What about staying when they've had multiple affairs? Is it time to call it quits? How long should I wait to decide? Should we give up and move on? How do you know whether/when to divorce? What do I do when he keeps changing? Should I leave? How long does it take to decide whether to stay or go? Is it normal for him to be so undecided? When is it time to let go and move on? Will he/should he come back? Should I go or stay? Waiting 7 years to leave!? When the person who had an affair won't decide? How often does an affair lead to divorce? How will I know if divorce is right for me? Is there hope for reconciliation? What about remarriage to the same spouse?

Note: For the full list of 151 questions in the collection, see Collection 2.

To Order:
To order any of the 3 Collections of 151 questions, see: Collections of Questions.

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